This article is for those of you (ladies) who would like to get married someday.
Have you been ‘in a relationship’ with the same man for years, and in some cases even given him a child or multiple children, and he still has not given you his last name?
Are you cohabiting (i.e., “shacking up”, living together unmarried) with a man who claims that he “isn’t ready for marriage yet”?
Do you treat your boyfriend as if he is your husband and give him certain perks and benefits (e.g., do his laundry, cook for him, buy him gifts, help him financially, grace his arm on special occasions, take care of his children if he has any, clean up behind him, etc), yet he has not given you the honor of making you his wife? (Calling you his “wifey” does not count).
If so, then you are probably wasting time on a dead end relationship with a man who doesn’t want to marry you and may not be interested in the idea of marriage at all.
While it is important to spend time getting to know the man that you are interested in marrying, you don’t want to fall into the trap of waiting FOREVER for a man to marry you.
Has a man been roping you along for years using these sorry excuses?
1. “I need to get my money right first.”
When a man says this to you, you must carefully determine whether he truly IS working towards financial stability, or whether he’s just giving you an excuse.
If a man is serious about marrying you and becoming financially stable, then he will make you his fiance by proposing to you, AND he will take active steps towards financially stability. He won’t just talk about“getting his money right” so that he can marry you “someday,” he will take action and execute his financial plan.
If he isn’t serious, then he will not demonstrate that he wants to marry you by proposing to you and making you his fiance. Your relationship status will stagnate at “just talking, hanging out, kicking it, seeing each other, friends, dating, boyfriend/girlfriend, in a serious relationship.” But it will not progress to “engaged” and he will stall on setting a date for the wedding.
He will talk about “getting his money right,” but he will not take any active steps towards financial stability.
If you ask him questions about his financial plan, he probably wouldn’t be able to articulate it to you, because he doesn’t have one. Watch out for telltale signs such as his checking account being overdrawn, squandering money on frivolous things, not paying his bills, accumulating more debt, and constantly borrowing money from people.
If you notice these telltale signs, then you are probably dealing with a man who is not serious about becoming financial stable. You are more than likely dealing with someone who is dishonest and pretending that he wants to be financially stable before he gets married in order to keep you hanging on with false hopes of getting married someday.
If a man is too broke to marry you, then he is too broke to be ‘in a serious relationship’ with you long-term, because relationships cost money (unless you two have decided to go Dutch on everything or you’re paying for everything). Over time, paying for dates, gifts, trips, and so on adds up. If he is that broke, then he shouldn’t be in a ‘relationship’ with anyone spending money unnecessarily. That is money that he could be saving up or using to pay off debts, right? If a man is that financially strapped, then it makes more sense for him to stay single and focus on “getting his money right.”
If a man can’t afford to marry you, then he can’t afford to fornicate with you, because fornication leads to pregnancy and children are EXPENSIVE. The entire process of child-rearing from prenatal care all the way through college costs money. If a man is too broke to marry you, then he is too broke to fornicate with you and procreate out-of-wedlock children. FLEE from fornication ladies. Run from men who want to have sex with you outside of marriage. If a man has not given you his last name, do not give him access to your reproductive system.
For those of you who are living together unmarried. . . .
If a man claims that he can’t afford to marry you, then how is it that he CAN afford to live with you unmarried? So he’s not too broke to live with you UN-married, but he’s too broke to live with you married? Do you see his true problem? His true problem isn’t money. He just doesn’t want to get married.
Ladies, please don’t make the mistake of living together unmarried. It might seem acceptable in our post-modern society, but it is not acceptable to the Lord. Couples who live together unmarried tend to be less satisfied with their marriages and are more likely to divorce than couples who moved in together AFTER they got married.
At any rate, do not fall for the “I need to get my money right first” excuse. I know couples who got their finances in order before they got married, and I know couples who got their finances in order after they got married. The common denominator in all of these marriages is that the men did not string their wives along hiding behind the excuse that they wanted to “get their money right first.” They courted their wives and married them — period.
Whether a man’s finances are stable or not, if he really wants to marry you, he WILL propose to you and take you off the dating market so that no one else can snatch you up. He will make it known to his friends and loved ones that he IS going to give you his last name. Do not let a man hide behind “getting his money right first” to manipulate you into hanging on forever.
2. “Marriage is just a piece of paper.”
Let’s say that your boyfriend calls you his “wifey” “future wife” “bestfriend” “soulmate” or some other term of endearment. But when you bring up the subject of marriage, he says that it’s “just a piece of paper.” Well if it’s “just a piece of paper” then it should be easy peasy for him to go and get one, right?
Marriage is a big deal. It isn’t just a piece of paper and he knows it. This is why when you bring up the subject of marriage, he starts acting evasive and shifty hoping that he can convince you that it’s “just a piece of paper.” He may even try to gloss over the issue by saying things like “You know I love you. It’s like we’re already married. People didn’t have marriage licenses back in Biblical times. What we have means more than a piece of paper, etc.” Don’t be fooled by his smooth-talking.
If he truly loves you, then he will marry you before witnesses and have it documented. If he really feels like you two are already married, then he will not have a problem making it official as soon as possible. It’s not about the “piece of paper,” but about making a lifelong commitment to you before God and witnesses (on public record).
3. “Let’s not mess up a good thing. Half of all marriages end in divorce. Divorces are expensive.”
50% of all American marriages don’t end in divorce. That’s a myth.
Divorce rates peaked in the 1970’s and 1980’s, but have declined since then. A 2007 study found that 70% of marriages that began in the 1990s reached their 15th anniversary. That’s a 5% increase from marriages that began in the 1970’s and 1980’s. Well-off college-educated couples are staying married longer. Based on CDC reports, divorces in America are decreasing. There are more marriages per year than divorces.
While divorce in America is a problem, the 50% failure rate isn’t true. And even if it were, men who use it as an excuse to not get married or put off marriage don’t apply the same logic to fornication, dating, relationships, and cohabitation. They still fornicate, date, enter dead-end relationships, and shack up, even though all of these things have a high failure rate. So they are being inconsistent in their logic.
If men do not avoid the things that I mentioned above due to their failure rate, then why do they claim that they avoid marriage because of its failure/divorce rate? They avoid marriage because it requires a lifelong commitment to one woman, whereas the other things do not require a lifelong commitment to one woman.
Some men out there just do not want to get married. Their avoidance of marriage has very little to do with the divorce rate. If they were truly concerned about failure rates, then they would avoid fornication which often ends in STDs, abortion, out of wedlock children, unwanted children, absentee/uninvolved parents, family court disputes, child support, visitation issues, emotional trauma and “baby momma drama.” Yet none of these statistics seem to deter them from fornicating.
When a man says “let’s not mess up a good thing by getting married,” he is actually saying that he wants to have his cake, eat it too, and something to drink it down with. Chances are that he wants you to be his convenient “booty call” with no strings attached or someone to take care of him (in the manner that a wife would) while he shirks any marital commitment.
4. “I want to marry you. I’m just not ready yet.”
So. . . he claims that he does want to marry you, but he’s just “not ready yet”? If it has been over a year, then chances are that he has already figured out that he doesn’t want to marry you.
It doesn’t take men long to figure out if you are “the one.” It doesn’t take them years and years, cohabitation experiments, and out of wedlock children in the process. They can normally tell in the first few months whether they can see themselves being with you for the rest of their life or not.
Men also know whether they are interested in marriage and finding a woman to settle down with, or whether they are not really interested in marriage and want to remain a bachelor.
I say this because some men know that it is not in their plans to settle down any time soon. They want to play the field for a while (or even indefinitely — some men don’t want to get married EVER). But at the same time, they want to enjoy certain ‘wifely’ perks and benefits (a woman who will cook for them, buy them gifts, be on their arm on special occasions, etc). So they lie and pretend that they want to marry you, but they claim that they “aren’t ready yet.” These type of men might even buy you gifts and call you their “wifey” or “future wife.” But they have no intentions of marrying you. They are just stroking your emotions and making you feel “special” so that you will be loyal to them and give them certain perks and benefits without the commitment of marriage.
Men who are marriage-minded know what they are looking for in a woman. And if you possess those characteristics, they won’t waste any time letting you know that they want to marry you. They will introduce you to their family, friends, and coworkers, and set a marriage date. They do not want to risk losing you to another man or you moving on because you grew tired of waiting on them forever.
So, if years and years have gone by, especially if you have given a man children in the process, and he still has not proposed to you, chances are that he does not want to marry you.
How much longer do you plan on waiting? How much longer will you sail on a ship that seems to be headed nowhere? How much more time will you waste on a man who is “unsure” when there are marriage-minded men out there who are sure of what they want and will not waste your time pursuing your hand in marriage?
Don’t squander your youth, beauty, heart, energy, time, money, and homemaking skills on a man who still “isn’t ready” even after years and years of being with you.
There IS a man out there just for you, who IS ready and will not waste your time or his.