When I Was Single, Jesus Wasn’t My Husband

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The other day, a girlfriend and I were hanging out and conversing about life, and the subject of relationships came up.

We spoke about some of the challenges that women face in singleness and marriage and how the cliche “Jesus is my husband” romanticizes the Lord and can be an unhealthy coping mechanism and a form of denial for single women who desire marriage.

I shared with my girlfriend that when I was single, I never claimed that I didn’t want a husband, referred to Jesus as my “husband,” or pretended that being complete and content in Christ meant that I always felt fulfilled and satisfied as a woman.

Yes, Jesus was (and is) my everything. He is my God, my righteousness, my Savior, my Redeemer, my King, my High Priest, my Good Shepherd, my Rock, my Mediator — but no, He wasn’t my husband when I was single.

There was a loneliness and a longing within my heart and body that only a husband could satisfy. There were desires and endeavors that could only be fulfilled through the companionship, affection, and support of a husband. Just as it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone. It wasn’t good for me to be alone either.

Some people are ordained by God to be eunuchs and given the spiritual gift of lifelong singleness and celibacy. This is a beautiful and honorable calling, and it is worthy of just as much encouragement and support as marriage. But I knew that God didn’t call me to lifelong singleness and celibacy.

I desired a righteous man who was suitable for me, to protect, provide, produce, problem-solve, and hold my hand as we followed Christ together, built a family legacy together, laughed together, went through hardships together, and got on each other’s nerves together.

Of course, in regards to salvation, I knew that I didn’t need anyone except Jesus. But in regards to marriage and family, I knew that I needed a husband.

Is It Biblical To Say “Jesus Is My Husband”?

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I see nothing in Scripture which directly states or implies that Jesus is the spiritual husband of single women.

What I do see is that in the Old Testament, God is analogized as the husband of the nation of Israel, and the nation of Israel is analogized as a wife or virgin who is betrothed to God. See Isaiah 54:5, Ezekiel 16, Jeremiah 31:32, and Hosea 2:16-20.

In the New Testament, Jesus is analogized as the husband or bridegroom of the Church, and the Church is analogized as a wife, bride, or betrothed virgin who belongs to Christ. See John 3:29, Mark 2:19, Matthew 25:1-13, Romans 7:4, 2 Corinthians 11:2-4, Revelation 19:7, Revelation 21:2, and Revelation 21:9-10.

God often used analogies in Scripture to demonstrate a higher spiritual truth. The purpose of the husband-wife/bridegroom-bride analogy was to demonstrate God’s love for and faithfulness to His covenant people, the unfaithfulness or harlotry of God’s covenant people, the union or oneness between Christ and the Church, the believer’s relationship to the law of Moses and sin, to give us a glimpse into the future of the marriage of the Lamb and His bride, etc. But nowhere in Scripture is the husband-wife/bridegroom-bride analogy used to demonstrate that Jesus is the spiritual husband of individual single women. This idea is foreign to Scripture.

Scripture makes a distinction between Jesus as the husband or bridegroom of the Church collectively, and a literal husband. It does not intertwine the two. But some women are tangling the two together because of false religious ideas floating around the church.

Husbands are being placed in the position of Christ which turns them into an idol, and Christ is being placed in the position of a husband which turns Him into a romanticized “Heavenly Mr. Right” which is wrong, unhealthy, and frankly, kind of creepy. Some of us need to untangle who Jesus is from what a husband is, and sanctify Jesus as Lord in our hearts instead of attributing a role to Him that Scripture does not.

If Jesus Is The Husband Of Single Women, Is The Church The Wife Of Single Men?

My friend and I found it interesting that we have never seen a single man say, “the Church is my wife.” There might be a few men out there who have said such a thing, but I have never run into them.

I have never seen any memes or books that romanticize the Church as the “spiritual wife” of individual single men in order to make them feel fulfilled and content in their singleness.

The idea of the Church being the “spiritual wife” of single men would not be trendy or lucrative, because it is not attractive or appealing to most single men. It would come across as just as weird and unbiblical as the idea that Jesus is the “spiritual husband” of single women.

Single men who are serious about getting married prepare for it and look for a wife. They do not romanticize the Church as their “spiritual wife” while they are still single and pretend that the Church can fulfill the role of a literal wife and satisfy their desires until they meet that special woman.

Just as the Church is not the “spiritual wife” of single men, Jesus is not the “spiritual husband” of single women. If we are not going to promote romanticized analogies to single men in place of a literal wife, then we need to stop promoting romanticized analogies to single women in place of a literal husband.

“Jesus Is My Husband” Can Be A Coping Mechanism

A coping mechanism is a method or strategy that a person uses to manage stress or deal with difficult situations and circumstances. People adopt different kinds of coping mechanisms to deal with life experiences that cause stress, pain, or trauma.

I know from experience that it can be emotionally challenging to be single when you want nothing more than to walk down the aisle in your wedding gown and say “I do,” yet year after year, your desires are deferred while everyone else around you gets married and tells you to “wait on God” while you slowly transform into “the cat lady.”

You try to be strong and optimistic, but there are times when you feel lonely, depressed, dissatisfied, disappointed, frustrated, bitter, unfulfilled, upset, apathetic, and jaded.

There are times when you are burning with passion and your body is telling you that your biological clock is ticking. For women, the older we get, our fertility rate decreases and the probability of infertility increases.

You wonder if you will ever get married considering the world that we live in and the fact that marriage does not happen for everyone. These feelings and thoughts linger in the minds of many single women.

My friend and I agreed that some single women are trying to cope with these unpleasant feelings and thoughts by calling Jesus their husband.

Some women dive deeper into ministry and busy themselves with church work. Some use food to comfort themselves. Some shop til they drop and accumulate material things. Others immerse themselves in their career or keep going back to school. Some romanticize Jesus as their husband, boyfriend, or lover, or say that they are having a “date night with Jesus” in order to mask their true feelings of loneliness and unhappiness.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that there is something wrong with leaning on Christ in order to cope with the struggle of being single and desiring marriage. Jesus can and does comfort our heart. He said that He would not leave us as orphans, that He would come to us (via the Holy Spirit, the Comforter), and be with us until the end of the age. But we do not need to place Jesus in a role that Scripture does not (a personal “spiritual husband”) in order to be comforted by Him.

The Lord was my consolation when I was single, and I knew that in Him, I had a High Priest who could sympathize with my weaknesses and I could draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that I might receive mercy and find grace to help me in my time of need (Hebrews 4:14-16). There were emotionally “cloudy days” when I was single and there was nothing that anyone could say or do to brighten my mood. It was during these times, when man couldn’t comfort me, that Jesus did. And during these times, Jesus wasn’t “being my husband.” He was being my High Priest as Scripture teaches.

Even now that I am married, I still have days where I struggle emotionally, and the Lord is present as He promised to provide mercy and grace. Sure, my husband can pray for me and pray with me, but only God can comfort my soul.

Just as there are things that my husband cannot do for me because he isn’t my Lord and Savior, there are things that Jesus doesn’t do for me because He isn’t my husband. Christ’s role is unique, and my husband’s role is unique. And it is important that women (including myself) don’t blur the lines of distinction and tangle them together.

It Is Unhealthy To Suppress Normal Desires & Feelings

It is normal to desire marriage and desire a husband. If this has not happened for you yet, it is normal to feel emotional pain, and you don’t have to hide that pain behind platitudes like “Jesus is my husband” and pretend that the Lord is satisfying your desire for a husband.

The Lord never intended to satisfy our desire for a spouse or provide the companionship of a husband or wife. This is why after He created Adam, He said that it was not good for man to be alone and created a woman for Adam. Adam already had close fellowship with God, but the Lord saw that he needed intimacy with a woman.

If you desire a husband, don’t deny it. Don’t cover it up. Don’t pretend that the Lord can compensate for a husband. Don’t pretend that you are strong, happy, and “content in your singleness” all of the time. Take the mask off!

You aren’t less of a woman, less spiritual, desperate, needy, or weak for acknowledging your desire for a husband, and you aren’t guilty of sin for feeling down about being single.

It is okay to express grief, dissatisfaction, and unhappiness — just don’t wallow in it forever and let your emotions lead you and dictate your decisions. Acknowledge how you feel, pray about it, confide in trustworthy friends about it, and be led by the word of God.

In the mean time. . . single ladies, until you say “I do,” Jesus isn’t your husband, your boyfriend, your boo, or your bae. He is King of kings and Lord of lords, and may we all reverence Him as such.

4 Reasons Why I’m Tired of “Women’s Ministry”

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Bear with me as I attempt to organize and express my thoughts.

First let me say what I’m not tired of. . .

I’m not tired of cultivating genuine friendships with sisters in Christ.

I’m not tired of gleaning godly wisdom from older women in The Faith.

I’m not tired of learning how to have a stronger marriage and love my husband and our son more deeply.

I’m not tired of those precious Spirit-led “Titus 2 moments” that can only be shared by sisters in Christ.

I believe that it is important for Believing women to connect with and be discipled by other women in The Faith – women who model the character of Christ, hold to sound doctrine, and graciously help other women grapple with life’s issues according to Christ and His word.

I appreciate those women who effectively influence other women for Christ and encourage us in the Refiner’s fire as the Father conforms us into the image of His Son.

In saying that, I want you to know that my list isn’t a judgment, a condemnation, or a criticism of every. single. solitary. women’s ministry on earth.

So let’s all relax, take a deep breath, and “goosfraba.”

There are some amazing women out there pouring Gospel-packed wisdom into the lives of other women in the public eye, in local congregations, and in intimate settings.

So please know that I’m not sharing this list as if to say that all women’s ministries are guilty of these things or somehow ungodly.

Neither am I sharing this list as if to say, “I’m a flawless perfect woman who ministers to everyone perfectly and everything that I have ever said and done has been godly and pleasing to the Father.”

I didn’t write this article with my nose in the air looking down on others as if I’m a “super saint.” I’m just a woman who is saved by grace and I’m honestly tired of some of the things that I have seen and experienced under the banner of “women’s ministry.”

This isn’t a “95 Theses.” These are just my thoughts about why I’m tired of “women’s ministries.”

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1.Jesus is a footnote.

Sure, Jesus is mentioned. But He’s typically mentioned as someone who boosts the self-esteem of women, makes us feel valuable and beautiful, sends single women husbands, and manifests our desires.

He is presented as someone who is in the periphery of our life, waiting on us hand and foot to do our will, make us feel better, and make our lives better.

He is Lord “by statement of faith only” but not in practice and consistent teaching.

This is diametrically-opposed to Scripture which emphasizes the preeminence of Christ (Colossians 1:15-20, Hebrews 1).

Jesus isn’t merely some genie in a bottle who affirms us as women, makes our lives better, makes us feel better, and grants our desires.

He is eternal life (1 John 1:1-4). He is the Word of God through whom all things were created (John 1:1-4). He is the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End (Revelations 22:13). He is worshiped by the heavenly host (Revelations 5:1-14).

This might sound odd to some of you, but “Biblical womanhood” and “femininity” shouldn’t have the preeminence in women’s ministry — Jesus should.

There are too many teachings about how to be a godly woman, and not enough teachings about the one who makes us godly: Jesus.

Many women’s ministries have it backwards. They think that if they emphasize “Biblical womanhood,” women will become more godly.

True godliness, however, does not come from emphasizing Biblical womanhood. True godliness comes from teaching women about Christ so that we can behold Him and be transformed by the Holy Spirit into His image and reflect His glory.

“So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.” (2 Corinthians 3:18)

Many women have a form of godliness because they are being taught about “Biblical womanhood” more than Christ Himself.

If you look at the attributes that Scripture says holy women are to have, you will see that Jesus exemplified these attributes in the Gospels. So it’s being conformed to His image that makes us godly women, not conforming to someone’s ideal of “Biblical womanhood.”

Jesus created women in His image, so we need to learn of Him if we are to exemplify true godliness as women. It’s not about being a “better woman” or being “more feminine,” often times according to subjective cultural religious standards. It’s about being more like Christ which means denying ourselves and taking up our cross daily.

“He must increase, but I must decrease.” (John 3:30)

Jesus should not be a footnote in a women’s ministry. He should be the object of our worship, and conforming to His image should be the first and foremost purpose of anything that is said and done under the banner of “women’s ministry.”

2. The Gospel is rarely proclaimed or it’s watered down.

This probably concerns me the most, because many women who follow women’s ministries aren’t saved – many are lost, religious, and still in need of the Gospel.

The most important message that any women’s ministry can teach is the Gospel, because the Gospel is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes (Romans 1:16).

There is a place for teaching women about femininity, courting and marriage, sexual discipline, parenting, how to succeed God’s way in our careers, academics, and finances, having a positive attitude, and how to live morally upright in an immoral generation.

None of these teachings, however, are the Gospel message. None of these teachings can redeem a woman, regenerate her heart, reconcile her back to God, give her eternal life, and save her soul from sin and the second death.

I’m concerned that many women are being taught how to be outwardly moral, have a positive mindset, feel good about themselves, be successful, be physically fit, look nice, be good wives and mothers, how to groom for marriage, how to be feminine, and be a “good person,” but they haven’t heard the Gospel. What is the point in learning all of these things only to die and perish in sin?

The ultimate purpose of women’s ministry isn’t to teach women how to feel better, look better, think positive, and improve themselves. Otherwise, there is no difference between “women’s ministry” and secular self-improvement or secular women’s empowerment, except for a thin outer “Christian” layer.

The ultimate purpose of women’s ministry should be to glorify God through the mutual edification of Believing women and the preaching of the Gospel.

Here in America, we are living in a society where most people who profess faith in Christ don’t know Him and have very little idea of what the Gospel is. This includes those in the pews. Considering this, we should proclaim the Gospel in any sphere of influence that God gives us.

It’s a travesty to mentor and “empower” women who are headed towards an eternity without God because they have never heard the Gospel.

Many “women’s ministries” are omitting the most important and essential life-saving message that women can ever hear — that by repenting and believing in the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus  Christ, they can be saved and have eternal life.

Other “women’s ministries” have edited the Gospel and promote false gospels based on Word-Faith/prosperity heresy, the American dream, “purpose-driven-church-growth” nonsense, political philosophies, New Age philosophy, and works-based teachings that if you believe in Jesus and “do your best to be a good person” you will go to heaven when you die.

There are women out there who have extremely popular “women’s ministries,” but promote a distorted false “gospel” and do not proclaim the truth of the Gospel to their supporters (Galatians 1:6-9).

There is a danger in promoting false gospels, because false gospels indoctrinate people against the true Gospel of Christ and deceive them into thinking that they are right with God when they are not.

Believing a false gospel can lead to a false conversion and a false “salvation.” This places the souls of women who believe a false gospel in grave danger and can harden their heart against the true Gospel.

3. It’s too “tiptoe through the tulips” for me.

As many of you know, I’m passionate about helping people navigate through the messy and painful side of “church.” The spiritual abuse, sexual abuse, financial exploitation, and other forms of severe mistreatment. I discuss it all here.

My vision for Exit Churchianity was to provide an oasis where Believers feel comfortable sharing about these things free from unrighteous judgments, know that they aren’t alone, and find encouragement to “fight the good fight” and “keep the faith.”

I also have a heart for engaging individuals within the Black Consciousness Movement and addressing cultural issues that are unique to the Black community from a Biblical perspective.

As you can imagine, this has made me a bit of a firebrand and an outspoken person.

I tend not to shy away from serious issues in the professing Christian community, especially if people are being misled and subjugated and lives are being destroyed.

Many women’s ministries on the other hand tend to encourage women to be passive, docile, politically correct, spiritually obtuse and oblivious, and avoid bringing up serious issues in the professing Christian community and society at large.

It’s as if some women’s ministries have this unspoken rule not to discuss the dysfunctional and damaging things going on in the name of Christ. And to just go along with whatever the activity, program, or topical teaching is in a “baby shower” “tea party-like” environment.

Everything has to be “nicey nicey,” sweet and sugary, neat, smooth and seamless, pink and fluffy, overly sentimental, prim and proper, warm cookies and flowers, care bears and rainbows, and “dancing through the daffodils” to the Sound of Music soundtrack.

Okay. Maybe I over-exaggerated a bit. But hopefully you get the point.

I’m ready to “grab the bull by the horns” and tackle real life issues – not sit around twiddling my thumbs in a politically-correct environment listening to endless topical messages about “Biblical womanhood” and gushy emotional stuff.

Tip toe through the tulips? No thanks. I’d much rather be in the trenches going to war in the Spirit.

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4. I can’t relate.

There are a few reasons why.

A. Most women’s ministries (that I have seen) don’t address the cultural issues that I deal with as a Christian woman who has African ancestry and lives in a low-income predominantly Black neighborhood.

I find that many women simply don’t want to talk about these things, because it makes them feel uncomfortable, they were taught that Believers shouldn’t discuss cultural issues, they don’t care, or they just aren’t aware of what is going on.

The general message that I get is to stay within the parameters of middle upper class white picket fence American Churchianity and just focus on being prosperous, nice, and having a positive mental attitude with Bible Scriptures sprinkled in. But don’t talk about cultural issues, because that’s “worldly.”

B. I can’t relate to women’s ministries where the Scriptures are skimmed over in a surface-level way, eisegeted on a regular basis, and quoted to support man-centered teachings.

I’m more into sound expositional verse-by-verse preaching and teaching of the Scriptures. Not cliche messages, endless topical messages that use Scripture as a proof text, and unbiblical teachings based on secular self-empowerment, pop psychology, New Age philosophy, Word-Faith heresy, or borderline “Full Quiver” hyper-patriarchy right-wing “family values” ideology that idolizes a man-made construct of “femininity” and takes “Biblical womanhood” to an extreme.

C. I can’t relate because quite frankly, I can be a mess at times.

There are days when I’m overwhelmed and I just want to isolate in my bedroom and play the Wii all day.

I roll my eyes. I get irritated. Sometimes I honk at bad drivers in traffic (or tell them off to myself).

But in many women’s ministries, some women act like they have it all together and everything is perfect.

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I’m not saying that we have to show our flaws to everyone in order to be “authentic.” There is such a thing as oversharing and we have to use wisdom when it comes to who we divulge things to because not everyone is trustworthy.

But there is an opposite extreme to that, where many women feel like they have to conceal who they really are and project a flawless image to other women or pretend to be stronger or more spiritual than they really are.

Some women who lead women’s ministries brag and boast (either overtly or subtly) about their material possessions and make sure that they flaunt something expensive in their selfies to let others know that they’re “walking in the blessings of God.”

Meanwhile their supporters are struggling financially and barely making ends meet, yet they are the ones sending donations so that the women (and couples) over these ‘ministries’ can live comfortably, fly first class, and afford expensive things.

Then, from their throne of worldly comfort and opulence, they lecture other women in a “stuck up cheerleader” way about prosperity, success, and how God will bless you (materially) if you “sow a seed” (send them donations).

At any rate, the plastic Barbie doll-like women’s ministries are a huge turn-off for me.

D. I can’t relate to all of the messages about marriage and child-rearing.

I’m not sure why “Biblical womanhood” and women’s ministry have been reduced to the subjects of marriage and child-rearing.

I mean, sure, women get married and have children. But getting married and having children aren’t the end-all-be-all of womanhood and salvation. The Scriptures sure don’t paint that picture.

Jesus didn’t save us so that we can get married and have children. He saved us so that we would know Him and be with Him forever. For some reason, the message and purpose of salvation has been obscured by mountains of messages on marriage and parenting.

When you get married and have children, you don’t cease to exist as an individual and absorb into your husband and children like “the blob.”

What about women who aren’t married and don’t have children? How many messages do they have to hear about waiting on their Boaz and grooming for marriage? What if a sister in Christ isn’t called to marriage and parenting, and she just wants to devote her life solely to Christ without distraction?

And while we’re at it, how many messages must we endure about modesty? I’m all for modesty, but sometimes I think that we are beating a dead horse and running that subject into the ground.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t talk about marriage, child-rearing, and modesty. But surely there’s more to being a Believing woman than that. Yet in some circles, serving Christ has been eclipsed by teachings about marriage, child-rearing, and modesty which brings me back to point #1.

In closing, the main reason why women’s ministry isn’t working is because in many cases, Christ isn’t the focus.

When Christ isn’t the focus, women don’t find rest for their souls.

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

When Christ isn’t the focus, women hunger and thirst spiritually.

I tell you the truth, anyone who believes has eternal life. Yes, I am the bread of life! Your ancestors ate manna in the wilderness, but they all died. Anyone who eats the bread from heaven, however, will never die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Anyone who eats this bread will live forever; and this bread, which I will offer so the world may live, is my flesh.” (John 6:17-51)

Jesus replied, “If you only knew the gift God has for you and who you are speaking to, you would ask me, and I would give you living waterJesus replied, “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.” (John 4:10, 13-14)

When Christ isn’t the focus, women remain in bondage to sin and lies. They are tossed to and fro with every wind of doctrine, and “ever learning,” but never come into the knowledge of the truth which can set them free.

Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31-32)

Many women are walking around wounded, tired, confused, and trying to find something to heal them, strengthen them, give them clarity, and make them whole and complete.

So they look to women’s ministries for the answer, only to be taught about everything except Christ. They twist, turn, bend and contort themselves to conform to some concept of “Biblical womanhood” which diverts them from conforming to Christ.

Meanwhile the Lord is diminished as some figure in the background who makes things better, and not our very life and the one in whom we move, breathe, exist, and have our being.

For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body. So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority.” (Colossians 2:9-10)

There are many good things about women’s ministry, but I think that when Christ isn’t the focus and other things are, women’s ministry becomes a “wilderness” where women travel in circles and go through the motions of dead religion.

We need to go back to our first love.

Christ is the nucleus of our faith, and when He is our focus, women find abundant life, truth, grace, healing, strength, rest, comfort, and spiritual liberty.

“As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home.

Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught.

But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.”

But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details!

There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:38-42)

“My Girlfriend Won’t Submit To Me!” [Set Free Femininity]

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Guy: “My girlfriend won’t submit to me!”

Me: “Good for her.”

Ephesians 5:24 says, “As the church submits to Christ, so you WIVES ((not “girlfriends”)) should submit to your HUSBANDS ((not “boyfriends”)) in everything.”

In a general sense, all born-again Christians should mutually submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21).

But marital submission is reserved for HUSBANDS ONLY. Not for unmarried men and women who are just “talking” “kicking it” “seeing each other” or “dating.”

Telling a woman that you want to marry her “someday” doesn’t mean that you are now deserving of the type of submission that is reserved for a husband.

Just as a woman who is not your wife shouldn’t have sex with you because you aren’t her husband, a woman who is not your wife shouldn’t submit to you “as unto the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22) because you aren’t her husband.

There is an order to things: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes sex and submission. Say it with me, “Sex and submission come AFTER marriage.”

I’m trying to understand why there are so many single and unmarried men debating, arguing, fussing, and quarreling with women that they aren’t married to about submission and commanding them to submit. What are ya’ll doing?

It is not a man’s responsibility to force, coerce, or pressure a woman to submit to him, especially a woman that he isn’t married to. Jesus referred to this dominating behavior as “exercising authority” over someone (Matthew 20:25-28). Domination is forbid among Christians.

You are out of pocket if you are trying to convince a woman who isn’t your WIFE to submit to you.

You are out of pocket if you accuse a woman of being “rebellious” a “Jezebel” or “insubmissive” for telling you NO because you aren’t her husband. She’s right. You’re wrong.

You are out of pocket if you are using the Bible to extract marriage perks from a woman that you aren’t married to.

Dear single/unmarried men: Stop taking authority over women and twisting Scriptures that do not apply to you.

By all means love one another, get to know one another deeply, treat one another with respect and dignity, and build a strong friendship. But sex and marital submission are for marriage ONLY.

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Don’t Be A “Ride or Die Chick” [Set Free Femininity]

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Hip-hop music glorifies the “ride or die chick” as the ideal woman that women should strive to be in their relationships with men.

Judging by the lyrics of these ridiculous songs, this means that women are expected to have casual sex with men that they aren’t married to, love and coddle grown men who refuse to be law-abiding citizens, aid and abet such men in criminal activities, settle for a promiscuous man (who has children all over the place) and tolerate all of the drama that comes with promiscuous playboy behavior, place themselves (and their children) in danger by fooling with dysfunctional animalistic violent men, give diehard loyalty to men who do not marry them, settle for the “wifey” title as if it makes them special, and “stand by their man” while suffering through years of emotional turmoil, abuse, drama, manipulation, constant lying, childish behavior, post traumatic stress disorder, financial instability and outright craziness.

Ladies, some of you have been told that by putting up with this wretched chaotic self-serving behavior, that you are being “loyal” to your ‘man.’ #NoFelicia

That is not “loyalty.” That is settling for a toxic unstable bottom feeder and a life of sorrow and mediocrity.

You are not a doormat, an ATM machine, a motel or a “kick it spot” for some man and his “homeboys,” a Taxi service or a chauffeur for a grown man (his “homeboys” and relatives), an accomplice, an enabler, a sex toy, or a baby-making machine.

You were created in the image of God and you are more valuable than all of the diamonds in the world.

elegantladyIf a man tells you that he needs a ride or die chick, a “down chick”, or any sort of “chick” that would put up with trifling behavior, support his bad decisions, and put him before your own well-being, aspirations and personal relationship with God. . . . you need to RUN.

Loyalty is a good thing, but ONLY when it is properly placed.

Do not give your loyalty to a promiscuous playboy who has an unofficial harem of women and/or babies all over the place.

Do not give your loyalty to a man who wants to fornicate with you, make you his personal sex toy, impregnate you with out of wedlock children and move onto the next unsuspecting woman.

Do not give your loyalty to an animalistic man who is undisciplined and has no self-control over his sexual urges.

Do not give your loyalty to a man who acts like a thug (whether he actually is a thug or just pretends to be one), a hustler, commits crimes, despises civil authorities, glorifies hood behavior/street culture/criminals, and refuses to be a law-abiding citizen and earn an honest living.

Do not give your loyalty to a man who wants to live with you unmarried and play house.

Do not give your loyalty to an anti-intellectual man who talks down on education, academic pursuits, lifelong learning, is jealous of your academic accomplishments, and discourages you from going to school and reaching your academic goals.

Do not give your loyalty to a man who is abusive, threatening, violent, overly aggressive and dangerous, and condones violence against women and children.

Do not give your loyalty to dishonest slick man who breathe lies, manipulation, concealment and can’t get his story straight.

Do not give your loyalty to a broke gold-digging financially unstable man who would use you for a place to stay, save money, eat for free, drive your car, borrow money, or financially use you in any manner.

Do not give your loyalty to a man who expects you to treat him like you’re married to him, yet he refuses to marry you and give you his last name.

The vow to love a man “in sickness and in health, for better or for worse” only applies to MARRIAGE — not “boyfriend/girlfriend relationships” “dating” “talking” or “just kicking it.”

Don’t ever let some self-entitled man convince you to give him a level of loyalty that is only reserved for a HUSBAND and WIFE.

Do not give a man the benefits of marriage if he has not married you and given you his last name. Calling you his “wifey” does not count. And saying that he “plans on marrying you some day” does not count either. I say this because some men out there expect MARITAL LOYALTY without a marriage covenant. And sadly, some of you ladies are actually giving it to them! Please STOP, cease and desist this sort of behavior immediately.

Marital loyalty, perks, and benefits are reserved for MARRIAGE ONLY.

Too many women (and children) have been hurt, abused, used, torn apart, destroyed and even murdered, all because they were trying to be a “ride or die chick” to a crazy dysfunctional man.

Too many women think that they have to settle for bottom-of-the-barrel men, lower their standards, and put up with trauma and insanity in order to be “down” “supportive” and “loyal” to men who don’t care about them. This must stop.

You don’t have to accept chaos and drama. You can be at peace.

You don’t have to accept heartbreak and depressed feelings. You can be happy.

You don’t have to accept constant setbacks and dreams deferred. You can progress and move forward in life.

You don’t have to accept being a doormat. You can be valued, loved, appreciated and cherished.

You don’t have to accept the pain, suffering and drama that comes with being a “ride or die chick.” You can be an elegant woman who is protected, provided for, and treated like the beautiful rose that you are.

Don’t Wait FOREVER For A Man To Marry You

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This article is for those of you (ladies) who would like to get married someday.

Have you been ‘in a relationship’ with the same man for years, and in some cases even given him a child or multiple children, and he still has not given you his last name?

Are you cohabiting (i.e., “shacking up”, living together unmarried) with a man who claims that he “isn’t ready for marriage yet”?

Do you treat your boyfriend as if he is your husband and give him certain perks and benefits (e.g., do his laundry, cook for him, buy him gifts, help him financially, grace his arm on special occasions, take care of his children if he has any, clean up behind him, etc), yet he has not given you the honor of making you his wife? (Calling you his “wifey” does not count).

If so, then you are probably wasting time on a dead end relationship with a man who doesn’t want to marry you and may not be interested in the idea of marriage at all.

While it is important to spend time getting to know the man that you are interested in marrying, you don’t want to fall into the trap of waiting FOREVER for a man to marry you.

Has a man been roping you along for years using these sorry excuses?

1. “I need to get my money right first.”

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When a man says this to you, you must carefully determine whether he truly IS working towards financial stability, or whether he’s just giving you an excuse.

If a man is serious about marrying you and becoming financially stable, then he will make you his fiance by proposing to you, AND he will take active steps towards financially stability. He won’t just talk about“getting his money right” so that he can marry you “someday,” he will take action and execute his financial plan.

If he isn’t serious, then he will not demonstrate that he wants to marry you by proposing to you and making you his fiance. Your relationship status will stagnate at “just talking, hanging out, kicking it, seeing each other, friends, dating, boyfriend/girlfriend, in a serious relationship.” But it will not progress to “engaged” and he will stall on setting a date for the wedding.

He will talk about “getting his money right,” but he will not take any active steps towards financial stability.

If you ask him questions about his financial plan, he probably wouldn’t be able to articulate it to you, because he doesn’t have one. Watch out for telltale signs such as his checking account being overdrawn, squandering money on frivolous things, not paying his bills, accumulating more debt, and constantly borrowing money from people.

If you notice these telltale signs, then you are probably dealing with a man who is not serious about becoming financial stable. You are more than likely dealing with someone who is dishonest and pretending that he wants to be financially stable before he gets married in order to keep you hanging on with false hopes of getting married someday.

If a man is too broke to marry you, then he is too broke to be ‘in a serious relationship’ with you long-term, because relationships cost money (unless you two have decided to go Dutch on everything or you’re paying for everything). Over time, paying for dates, gifts, trips, and so on adds up. If he is that broke, then he shouldn’t be in a ‘relationship’ with anyone spending money unnecessarily. That is money that he could be saving up or using to pay off debts, right? If a man is that financially strapped, then it makes more sense for him to stay single and focus on “getting his money right.”

If a man can’t afford to marry you, then he can’t afford to fornicate with you, because fornication leads to pregnancy and children are EXPENSIVE. The entire process of child-rearing from prenatal care all the way through college costs money. If a man is too broke to marry you, then he is too broke to fornicate with you and procreate out-of-wedlock children. FLEE from fornication ladies. Run from men who want to have sex with you outside of marriage. If a man has not given you his last name, do not give him access to your reproductive system.

For those of you who are living together unmarried. . . .

If a man claims that he can’t afford to marry you, then how is it that he CAN afford to live with you unmarried? So he’s not too broke to live with you UN-married, but he’s too broke to live with you married? Do you see his true problem? His true problem isn’t money. He just doesn’t want to get married.

Ladies, please don’t make the mistake of living together unmarried. It might seem acceptable in our post-modern society, but it is not acceptable to the Lord. Couples who live together unmarried tend to be less satisfied with their marriages and are more likely to divorce than couples who moved in together AFTER they got married.

At any rate, do not fall for the “I need to get my money right first” excuse. I know couples who got their finances in order before they got married, and I know couples who got their finances in order after they got married. The common denominator in all of these marriages is that the men did not string their wives along hiding behind the excuse that they wanted to “get their money right first.” They courted their wives and married them — period.

Whether a man’s finances are stable or not, if he really wants to marry you, he WILL propose to you and take you off the dating market so that no one else can snatch you up. He will make it known to his friends and loved ones that he IS going to give you his last name. Do not let a man hide behind “getting his money right first” to manipulate you into hanging on forever.

2. “Marriage is just a piece of paper.”

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Let’s say that your boyfriend calls you his “wifey” “future wife” “bestfriend” “soulmate” or some other term of endearment. But when you bring up the subject of marriage, he says that it’s “just a piece of paper.” Well if it’s “just a piece of paper” then it should be easy peasy for him to go and get one, right?

Marriage is a big deal. It isn’t just a piece of paper and he knows it. This is why when you bring up the subject of marriage, he starts acting evasive and shifty hoping that he can convince you that it’s “just a piece of paper.” He may even try to gloss over the issue by saying things like “You know I love you. It’s like we’re already married. People didn’t have marriage licenses back in Biblical times. What we have means more than a piece of paper, etc.” Don’t be fooled by his smooth-talking.

If he truly loves you, then he will marry you before witnesses and have it documented. If he really feels like you two are already married, then he will not have a problem making it official as soon as possible. It’s not about the “piece of paper,” but about making a lifelong commitment to you before God and witnesses (on public record).

3. “Let’s not mess up a good thing. Half of all marriages end in divorce. Divorces are expensive.”

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50% of all American marriages don’t end in divorce. That’s a myth.

Divorce rates peaked in the 1970’s and 1980’s, but have declined since then. A 2007 study found that 70% of marriages that began in the 1990s reached their 15th anniversary. That’s a 5% increase from marriages that began in the 1970’s and 1980’s. Well-off college-educated couples are staying married longer. Based on CDC reports, divorces in America are decreasing. There are more marriages per year than divorces.

While divorce in America is a problem, the 50% failure rate isn’t true. And even if it were, men who use it as an excuse to not get married or put off marriage don’t apply the same logic to fornication, dating, relationships, and cohabitation. They still fornicate, date, enter dead-end relationships, and shack up, even though all of these things have a high failure rate. So they are being inconsistent in their logic.

If men do not avoid the things that I mentioned above due to their failure rate, then why do they claim that they avoid marriage because of its failure/divorce rate? They avoid marriage because it requires a lifelong commitment to one woman, whereas the other things do not require a lifelong commitment to one woman.

Some men out there just do not want to get married. Their avoidance of marriage has very little to do with the divorce rate. If they were truly concerned about failure rates, then they would avoid fornication which often ends in STDs, abortion, out of wedlock children, unwanted children, absentee/uninvolved parents, family court disputes, child support, visitation issues, emotional trauma and “baby momma drama.” Yet none of these statistics seem to deter them from fornicating.

When a man says “let’s not mess up a good thing by getting married,” he is actually saying that he wants to have his cake, eat it too, and something to drink it down with. Chances are that he wants you to be his convenient “booty call” with no strings attached or someone to take care of him (in the manner that a wife would) while he shirks any marital commitment.

4. “I want to marry you. I’m just not ready yet.”

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So. . . he claims that he does want to marry you, but he’s just “not ready yet”? If it has been over a year, then chances are that he has already figured out that he doesn’t want to marry you.

It doesn’t take men long to figure out if you are “the one.” It doesn’t take them years and years, cohabitation experiments, and out of wedlock children in the process. They can normally tell in the first few months whether they can see themselves being with you for the rest of their life or not.

Men also know whether they are interested in marriage and finding a woman to settle down with, or whether they are not really interested in marriage and want to remain a bachelor.

I say this because some men know that it is not in their plans to settle down any time soon. They want to play the field for a while (or even indefinitely — some men don’t want to get married EVER). But at the same time, they want to enjoy certain ‘wifely’ perks and benefits (a woman who will cook for them, buy them gifts, be on their arm on special occasions, etc). So they lie and pretend that they want to marry you, but they claim that they “aren’t ready yet.” These type of men might even buy you gifts and call you their “wifey” or “future wife.” But they have no intentions of marrying you. They are just stroking your emotions and making you feel “special” so that you will be loyal to them and give them certain perks and benefits without the commitment of marriage.

Men who are marriage-minded know what they are looking for in a woman. And if you possess those characteristics, they won’t waste any time letting you know that they want to marry you. They will introduce you to their family, friends, and coworkers, and set a marriage date. They do not want to risk losing you to another man or you moving on because you grew tired of waiting on them forever.

So, if years and years have gone by, especially if you have given a man children in the process, and he still has not proposed to you, chances are that he does not want to marry you.

How much longer do you plan on waiting? How much longer will you sail on a ship that seems to be headed nowhere? How much more time will you waste on a man who is “unsure” when there are marriage-minded men out there who are sure of what they want and will not waste your time pursuing your hand in marriage?

Don’t squander your youth, beauty, heart, energy, time, money, and homemaking skills on a man who still “isn’t ready” even after years and years of being with you.

There IS a man out there just for you, who IS ready and will not waste your time or his.